All Things Possible

All Things Possible

5/13/18

This blog post has been a long time in the making; this one is possibly most important. No matter what you personally believe, If you’ve been following our story we are glad you made it to this point.

I woke up, but I couldn’t speak. I remember everything not seeming real. I saw my aunt Marci and started  crying because I was so happy to finally see someone I knew and remembered. I was very tired. I was fading and at the same time fighting to stay with her. I thought this was a dream, but was later told that it happened. I believed I had slept for 17 years, but somehow the year was 2050 (I've never been good at math). I thought my grandparents and my dog were dead and that Ian had to fight to keep me on life support. I was confused for a very long time. I lost a lot of my memory during that week. I feel like it was God’s way of protecting me from reliving that pain. I wasn’t meant to understand what was happening just yet. I was in the hospital from July 7^th to the 23^rd. Then the really hard work started. Recovery is no joke. There is also no timeline. This year so far we are on month 3 of PT. Thank goodness for good doctors.

Things aren’t perfect. I don’t want to lie and say I’m feeling 100%. God has truly worked a miracle in my life and ours as a couple, and I really wish I could report to you that there are no problems. However, His timing is just that, His. It doesn’t happen because we think it should. It doesn’t matter if you’ve prayed for a month, a year, or 6 years. Our concept of time isn’t eternal like His. Sometimes when you pray you don’t always get the answers you hope for. You should be prepared for that. You have to trust that His plan is the best plan simply because it is. You just have to keep on fighting. Keep your mind healthy and your spirits up. Depression is very common when battling cancer even after your are cancer-free. DON'T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF, I am terribly hard on myself. My family and friends remind me constantly to give myself a break. A good friend of mine recently reminded me that no one has it together. We should be lifting each other up instead of tearing one another down. So share a kind word, open the door for the person coming in behind you, and always pay it forward!

February 1^st my best friend David passed away unexpectedly at age 33. A lot of lives were affected by his passing.  I think more people loved him than he even knew. Our world stopped. We had just purchased our first house and had plans for him to come with us. He was a lover of life despite all he had been through. His heart for Jesus was one of the most genuine things I’ve ever witnessed. He is greatly missed by many. Thankfully, we have this hope, this very real hope, that we will once again see him. (John 14: 1-3) 

After his death, I started distracting myself with work and working out. I wasn’t ready to deal with it. I wasn’t ready to give him up. I was very angry. For a lot of reasons, but it also made me realize how much I hadn’t dealt with over the last year. My body wasn’t ready for the level of activity I had introduced it to and my mind was fighting not to drown. A few months in, I experienced severe chest pain during a workout and almost passed out driving on the way home. Guess who didn’t go to the ER? This girl. 4 weeks later I was hanging out with Sara doing GCC Kids errands and got really fatigued and almost passed out driving again that night. The next day my boss at Vistar Retina drove and stayed with me in the ER for 8 hours. I ended up staying 4 days so that they could figure out what was happening. Enter a new unrelated rare diagnosis that I am not going into here.

I’ve had 2 MRIs, 2 CTs, numerous ultrasounds, an EKG, an ECHO, and 2 spinal taps so far, this year. My blood work is all over the place right now and if it doesn’t level out by 5/15 then I can’t have the colonoscopy that’s been scheduled for months. This will be the first time I’ve been under since the coma. This colonoscopy will confirm that the cancer is gone. I haven’t driven for 2 months, and I’ve been doing PT 2 times a week since Easter. Lewis Gale neuro called last week and the common consensus between hospitals is that I have a condition known as having idiopathic intracranial hypertension. Man. Weird. Those were my first 2 thoughts. I wasn’t scared; kind of like when my surgeon told me I had cancer. It was just quiet. God’s presence is unreal. I feel it often and I am so grateful to have a Father that loves me so completely. It doesn’t matter what is going on in or around me, my eternity is secure and I have no reason to fear what is coming. My aunt and I are going to Duke May 23^rd for a full neuro workup.

6/9/18 UPDATE colonoscopy: 8 months cancer-free!!!
&Duke is working on diagnosis which is being treated.
Surviving & living.
Today is our huge yard sale. It is so cool to the everyone come together and help out. It is really humbling. We are incredibly grateful.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5

Mayo Clinic also called this week. It turns out that I have a mutation within the DPD deficiency that they have never seen before. There is nothing that they can do for me. I was told that hopefully in 5-10 years from now there would be more research and testing available. My oncologist Dr. K is writing a paper on my condition so that he can share what he has learned with other oncologists. He, along with my geneticist are trying to find ways to make my quality of life better. We are so grateful for the doctors that have been by our side through everything.

So many awesome people have stepped up to help us out. We are blessed. I am not scared. There are prayer warriors all around us. Friends and family fasting for members at Grace Covenant Church of Roanoke. The community of people who have made themselves available has made everything so much easier.  1 Corinthians 1:10

We strive to be more like Him every day, but we are not Him. We are flawed. We are human. We’ve lost and gained many friends over the last year. Some people can handle illness while others simply cannot. We’ve changed a lot too. Have you ever been through something life-changing? Something so traumatic that you’re not the same person afterwards? That was cancer for me. I don’t have time to waste. I don’t desire to spend time with people who are judgmental and hateful. I want to live and live well. I want to spend my time with people who love me as I am and don’t wish me and Ian harm. I want to spend time with people who want to make the world a better place. Cancer has been eye-opening to say the least. It really puts into perspective what actually matters.

Do you find yourself complaining about your job every single day? Do something about it. Are you tired of your spouse? Work to fix your marriage instead of just telling your girlfriends about it. Are you sad because you aren’t hearing from God like you used to? Read His word. He is close to the broken hearted. The Bible says that He collects our tears and knows the number of hairs on out head. You matter. The Bible says in Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope”. In Jeremiah 31:3 it says, “Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you”.

So no, we don’t blame God for what happened. I’m not angry at God because I had cancer. Or because I know things won’t be how they were before. He is constant in the healing. He is lifting us up and surrounding us by His church. It pains Him to see us hurting and sick. Jesus paid the price. The war is over. All we must do is give in and stop trying to do everything ourselves. We stand in the way of some of the greatest blessing He has for us. I had to set my pride aside and ask for help. I had to fall to my knees many times and cry out to God (often in pain) to save me. I had to realize that He is all I need.

If you’d like to stay in touch or have any questions: hellosunshineva@gmail.com