Wait...Did he just say Cancer?

I will tell people who ask that I watched as my wife was dying right in front of me. They give their apologies but in the eyes you can see the truth. “Ah, that is rough but she didn’t actually die,” “You have my sympathies but she is the one with the cancer,” “Maybe you are trying to milk this a little hard, she wasn’t that close.” Fair enough. People do not generally know anyone as well as they think, and they will never know anyone as well as they want to. No single person is a completely open book due to the fact that no single person fully understands everything about themselves. So if they cannot understand everything about themselves, whom they inarguably spend the most time with, how can they ever hope to fully understand anything? I do not blame them for their inaudible skepticism. Let’s take it a few steps back. They discovered the cancer through a series of tests that started with a colon cleanse. This typically isn’t a terrible experience, except when an obj...

July 5 th-7th 2017- Chemo Day My best friend Rachel picked me up nice and early. I remember being real nervous. I had no clue what to expect. Was it going to be as bad as how it looks in the movies? Am I going to lose my hair? Will I throw up or be in bed for days? In retrospect, I’d have rather had all those things happen compared to what occurred. Blue Ridge Cancer Care. It was cold that day. I remember bringing a pillow and some blankets. Rach brought her laptop so that we could watch Outlander, knowing we’d be there a lot of the day. She drove into the curb by accident on the way there. We were all nervous, but I was glad to have her there. Ian was at work and I think it was a good distraction, since he couldn’t help me through this. The plan was that the first drug of my cocktail would be pumped through my port (under the skin device that goes directly into the vein by your heart) in the cancer center. Four hours of Outlander later, I was tired and a lit...

End of May 2017-July 4 th 2017 Now what? Surgery. Chemo. Rinse. Repeat. I had a great surgeon, Dr. Adkins was who did my partial colectomy. He took 12 inches of my colon, 26 lymph nodes, my appendix, and part of my crappy metabolism. After the biopsy, I was staged at Cb. Late stage, but still treatable with further medicine. Insert chemo. But, that’s not until July 5 th ...you have to wait. Muhahaha In the meantime I healed from surgery. That took six weeks. My mom came down from Wisconsin to help. She bathed me, fed me, and did my gardening. She became really close with my friend David. He would always tease me and say he was going to be my future stepdad. LOL My friends from church and work did fundraisers to help us meet our out of pocket. My insurance started the day before I went to the hospital; talk about a miracle! I don’t know what we would have done if it weren’t for our friends and family. Insurance covered last year at 100%. 700k. We only ow...

5/11/17ish  Playing: So Will I By: Hillsong United You. Have. Cancer. Those 3 words changed my life in too many ways to count. Almost all ways if I’m honest. How could it not? I mean, cancer is different for every single person, but one thing is true for everyone: your identity is changed forever. Have you ever heard the term “find your new normal”? Chances are if you have, that you’ve had a huge life-changing event of some kind. I’ve had 5 life-changing events in less than a year. 5. 5 restarts. 5 heart stopping life pauses. 5 reasons I’m thankful for life everyday. But, I can’t fill you in right now. I’m trying to go in chronological order. Muhahaha. (evil laugh) So, what do you do after that news? I cried for 2 minutes. Put on my big girl pants and kept packing up the room. My husband was going to get the car. I remember being so thankful that I was alone when I got the news. I could breathe. I could be not okay. I could let my hair and my guard down....