Wait...Did he just say Cancer?

So I sat in the waiting room, window to my left displaying the soccer field below and the mountains in the distance against the greyish blue backsplash of the 5AM sky. I was a little lost in that moment, with my wife maybe 30 yards away but completely separated from me, enduring what could possibly be the end of her life by herself, and completely unaware of what was happening. Her aunt has told me she was on the way with her uncle. I knew when they arrived they would ask how I was, and what was going on. I was hoping the doctor would return with good news before they arrived so I could leave them with some hope. As I stated before, I ran the scenarios and came to peace with the potential outcomes, though it still was painful, and I am fully aware this is a rarity and can be confused with compartmentalization. It was not compartmentalized in this moment. The doctor came back for a third time, “I've been talking to colleagues all night and no one has really seen this before. ...

5/11/17ish  Playing: So Will I By: Hillsong United You. Have. Cancer. Those 3 words changed my life in too many ways to count. Almost all ways if I’m honest. How could it not? I mean, cancer is different for every single person, but one thing is true for everyone: your identity is changed forever. Have you ever heard the term “find your new normal”? Chances are if you have, that you’ve had a huge life-changing event of some kind. I’ve had 5 life-changing events in less than a year. 5. 5 restarts. 5 heart stopping life pauses. 5 reasons I’m thankful for life everyday. But, I can’t fill you in right now. I’m trying to go in chronological order. Muhahaha. (evil laugh) So, what do you do after that news? I cried for 2 minutes. Put on my big girl pants and kept packing up the room. My husband was going to get the car. I remember being so thankful that I was alone when I got the news. I could breathe. I could be not okay. I could let my hair and my guard down....

5.4.17-5.7.17 So I didn't leave. I got more pain meds and that helped a lot. The doctors wanted to observe me until they felt like I was stable. My best friend Rachel spent the night for a few nights! That made it much better. My husband had to work, so it was really nice having someone so fun there around the clock. We laughed, watched movies, and talked to a lot of people and nurses. There were a lot of visitors. That was my first time staying in a hospital. Don't worry, I learned my lesson. People want to be helpful and show support which is great! & Don't get me wrong I appreciated all the love and support(esp from close family and friends). But, when you haven't showered for days, because you're too weak (hemoglobin was really low for awhile until 2 transfusions), you smell bad. Your hair is greasy too.(i.e above picture) It doesn't exactly make you want to see a bunch of people. I just happened to realize that after the fact. Plus, it is overw...

Day 2: 5.3.17 Just kidding I was wrong. I had my first colonoscopy on 5.4.17. Day 2 was more tests and just the prepping part. I'll spare the details. Day 3: 5.4.17 Ian and David stayed with me all day until I went down for the colonoscopy. I remember not being scared. I remember just wanting so badly to know what was happening. I remember the very real pain right before I went under. After the exam I slept...for most of the afternoon. A doctor came and saw me that evening. He was hesitant. That made me nervous. He went on to tell me that they found "a growth" in my colon and that they took a biopsy to figure out more. He told me not to worry. Riiiight. The first time cancer even crossed my mind was that first day in the ER. Within the first 8 hours before I even got a room, I just knew it wasn't good. For some reason (God and faith), I was at peace. I knew that whatever happened I'd be protected. Anyways, he continued and said it might not be anything...