Wait...Did he just say Cancer?

                                  4.4.15     3.31.18  This is from Ian. /begin And on the fifth day she woke. I received a text or call that my wife was awake! They had pulled her out of the coma as they felt her body was ready to begin the long process of self-recovery and repair. She wasn’t whole yet, but she was ready to start. I was flooded with joy for very obvious reasons, and fear as to what damage had been done. I knew she was going to be confused, that medical staff would be in and out, that the room would be filled with bodies, so I waited as to not overwhelm and distract her. A few hours later I made my way to the hospital ICU, not entirely sure what to expect. I peered around the corner as I walked in, she was laying in the bed, eyes barely open, speaking raspily and softly to the nurse in the room. The nurse saw me from the corner of her eye, then ...

So I sat in the waiting room, window to my left displaying the soccer field below and the mountains in the distance against the greyish blue backsplash of the 5AM sky. I was a little lost in that moment, with my wife maybe 30 yards away but completely separated from me, enduring what could possibly be the end of her life by herself, and completely unaware of what was happening. Her aunt has told me she was on the way with her uncle. I knew when they arrived they would ask how I was, and what was going on. I was hoping the doctor would return with good news before they arrived so I could leave them with some hope. As I stated before, I ran the scenarios and came to peace with the potential outcomes, though it still was painful, and I am fully aware this is a rarity and can be confused with compartmentalization. It was not compartmentalized in this moment. The doctor came back for a third time, “I've been talking to colleagues all night and no one has really seen this before. ...

“The most terrifying weeks of my life.”-Marci H. my beloved Aunt July 7 th I picked you up from your house, so that we could learn how to clean your port at the cancer center. We were going to meet Ian there, that way he could leave and go back to work afterwards. At this point we had no idea how bad off you were. I pulled into the driveway and noticed that the house was completely dark. I knew you weren’t feeling well, so I approached with caution. I found you laying on the couch, but ready to go. You were quiet; that was weird. I also noticed how pale you were. We got to the cancer center, but you wanted to wait in the car for Ian. He was already inside, so we slowly made our way to the second floor. We signed you in and they took you back immediately. The first thing they did was close your curtains for privacy. Next, they disconnected the port from the 5FU. They hooked you up to an IV for fluids right away. Then the nurses tried to get vitals. It took about t...

I will tell people who ask that I watched as my wife was dying right in front of me. They give their apologies but in the eyes you can see the truth. “Ah, that is rough but she didn’t actually die,” “You have my sympathies but she is the one with the cancer,” “Maybe you are trying to milk this a little hard, she wasn’t that close.” Fair enough. People do not generally know anyone as well as they think, and they will never know anyone as well as they want to. No single person is a completely open book due to the fact that no single person fully understands everything about themselves. So if they cannot understand everything about themselves, whom they inarguably spend the most time with, how can they ever hope to fully understand anything? I do not blame them for their inaudible skepticism. Let’s take it a few steps back. They discovered the cancer through a series of tests that started with a colon cleanse. This typically isn’t a terrible experience, except when an obj...